Notion of Grief

“I had my own notion of grief.

I thought is was the sad time that followed

the death of someone you love…and you had to push

through it to get to the other side.

But I’m learning there is no other side.

There is no pushing through.

But rather, there is absorption…adjustment…acceptance.

Grief is not something you complete, but rather, you endure.

Grief is not a task to finish and move on, but an

element of yourself…an alteration of your being.

A new way of seeing.

A new definition of self.”

(Author unknown)

The Journey

The Journey

Larry missed his oncologist visit, he can’t walk but a few steps before collapsing.  He’s not eating.  He’s drinking very little.  The Hospice nurse is coming in today.  

Hospice is it’s not always about the end of life, they can be a huge support to the entire family, much more than what I’ll call “regular” nursing visits.   They ended up being an incredible blessing.  We, both Larry and I, couldn’t have gone through this process as beautifully as we did without their support.

The missed oncology visit was frustrating.  But Larry wasn’t going to tolerate any treatments.  He’s so weak.  He’s stopped walking.  He’s speaking very little.

Read More

Sinking Into Blue

Sinking Into Blue

I’m entering year two since my husband passed away. And still I struggle with daily living. Perhaps you can relate. For example, today, my allergies are causing a pounding in my head and a churning in my gut. That, on top of dreaming that my husband was alive, and we were driving in a beautiful mountain region on vacation. We stopped for gas and at that point the dream jumped to finding him passed out in a field by the gas station, muttering nonsense, people gathered around staring…me yelling at them, and the dog running off. I was reliving his quick and radical demise. I woke up in tears and my head ached.

Read More